I sense a huge stone wheel turning in my spirit. Half a century. CLICK. It’s happened. For seven years from the age of 25 I lived with a constant expectation to die. So maddening was that voice in my head nagging me about my imminent doom that I was moved to do something about it, to take action and find out what the hell I was born for in the first place. What did it mean to be alive? Any religious comfort I had enjoyed as a boy had been eradicated by the time I was 12 and I was content to wander aimlessly in life, pursuing whatever joys and pleasures made the way interesting to me. Working was a chore, ambition had I none – no goal formulated in my life, beyond exploring myself (especially the amount of pleasure I could have, the friendships and love I could nurture and the euphoric heights I could reach). My sexuality repressed and shame ridden until I was 21, when I came out I wanted to catch up on good times and hot experiences.
It was 1986, Don’t Die of Ignorance year – tomb stones on tv aids awareness informercials – not an easy time to come out. I fell in love, I took risks, I had no support structure in the form of responsible older gay men around me (do young guys today? Not much, I think). I was very alone in the world, chasing love and overdoing it, no wonder my immune system overloaded, no wonder my body couldn’t take it, my soul unable to break through my confusions and obsessions to express its creativity, my connection to the cosmos unacknowledged, unexplored. Facing death brought the revelation that I am a cosmic baby – my entire being is geared to exploring higher consciousness and expanded emotional connection, but the mainstream British culture I had grown up in had not introduced me to the possibilities of that side of life.
I was born with both the Sun and Moon in Aquarius, on 31st January 1965, an Imbolc baby.. born at the Celtic festival of the Maiden Fire Goddess, often celebrated as Brigit. At this deep feeling and optimistic festival the promise of Spring is celebrated, it’s traditionally a time to gather the clan to hear poetry and tales round the fire, winter visions are shared and much warmth is generated to see us through the last phase of the cold season. We start to dream the year ahead into being. Christianity has suppressed the power of this time of year, but also honours the Maiden energy at this point – calling this the festival of the Virgin, Candlemas,
In 2015 the Sun and Moon arrive together in the sign of the Waterbearer on the same day, the 20th January, making this day a kind of ‘cosmic birthday’ for me, and giving the whole world an immediate and sudden shift in energies from earth sign Capricorn to air Aquarius. It could feel like being whisked off the ground by a gust of wind – but will your wind come like a gentle eagle’s wing or a gale force fright? Aquarius is the Water Bearer, symbolically and eternally delivering spiritual nourishment to the world. The water from his jug washes away the past, leaving room for a fresh, new start. The sign of Aquarius is forward-looking and growth-oriented. Concerned with equality and individual freedom, we Aquarians seek to dispense knowledge, and our vision of equality and individuality within a strong collective, to all.
The glyph for Aquarius represents the water from the water bearer’s vessel, as a symbol of open-ended spiritual energy accessible always.
Chiron Return. Those of us born in the 60s have Chiron, the Wounded Healer, in the sign of Pisces. This gives us a collective wounding in our relationship with the Universe – because Pisces is the ultimate mystical sign of connection and merging with the All. Most of us gave up our religious beliefs at an early age, all of us for sure have seriously questioned them. I believe my generation has been trying to compensate for the feeling of disconnect and existential loneliness this wound gives us by filling the gap with lovers, careers, money, rationalism, alcohol and drugs. Let off the religious hook more than any generation before us we are the ones who were shaken awake by punk, encouraged to express our individual eccentricity by new romanticism, and lifted to euphoric communal love states by house music and ecstasy. We have lived. At 50 Chiron gives us another way to fill the gap – he returns to his position at our birth and we get to see the wound for what it is. The chasing and racing can slow down now, not just because we have less energy but because we can see what is missing: our connection to the divine, to source. We believed the world was material – this view will come in time to be seen as being as dumb as the medieval belief that the world is flat. The world is, in spiritual terms, illusion, called maya in mystical India, the play, leela, of the divine forces, the masculine shiva and feminine shakti – consciousness and form. ‘Male and female he made them’ it says in Genesis, ‘in his image’. The Hindu culture has explored who we are long enough and deep enough to know that this universe is just one of several Shiva has created and destroyed through his power of illusion. Physics has now confirmed that matter itself is largely empty – it is light, slowed down to such a vibration that it seems solid. Let there be Light, said God. We are not matter, we are that light – conscious in ways no other creatures are on earth – we are what has been called Spirit around the world by all cultures – and the fuel, the raw material, the creative power of our consciousness is LOVE. We are love incarnate, having separate experiences as individuals, but solidly one at the core.
This is the truth that will change the world. This is the spiritual food that Aquarius brings.
In January 1995 I sat down, preparing myself for the end of life, and asked life what the hell it existed for. For the first time I seriously addressed the questions: does life have a purpose and who the fuck am I? Why am I experiencing this thing we call Existence? And the things we call Love, Lust and Fear? If life has no meaning why does it matter to me?
In resonse, the Universe took me on a ride like no other, showing me connections, histories, possibilities and promises. This was a kundalini rush triggered by my questioning, my sudden openness to the questions and receptivity to the rush of answers. I had a vision of myself standing at the start of a five year journey of study and growth – quite the opposite to the death I had been expecting. My heart was opening to life like never before, my throat chakra was opening with poetry and words flooding out, my third eye was filled with vision and inspiration, and my crown became wide open transporting me into multidimensional reality. I was discovering, or being introduced to, the Way, an utterly ancient and sacred current of energy that flows through the Universe and guides all things. I realised it was there to lead us, if we let it, but we do not have to personify it as a God…. it doesn’t have an ego requirement for our worship and obedience (and therefore it does not judge us for NOT believing in it). It is much bigger than us, as our scientific explorations of the manifest universe should have made perfectly obvious. So I took a deep sigh (of relief?) and figured that if there is something running the universe, creating the perfect conditions on this planet for us to have the experience we are having, it deserved my open minded attention rather than my judgements. We are aware that our minds and physical senses have a limited frequency range, but humanity became so proud of its own achievements it has neglected its connection with the non human levels of consciousness. Aquarius is here to restore the connection, to bring the intuitive feminine into balance with the rational masculine, and help us all to engage the ‘bigger picture’, an engagement that is urgently required as the challenges to our existence on planet earth mount up. Human understanding of its spiritual nature is in a state of chaos and transition. This deserves to be acknowledged, by the religious and those who reject religion. The extremes of rational atheism and religious fundamentalism are the result of the confusion and misinformation that is out there. But voices of true reason, of unity, peace and light exist in all faiths and outside them. They are the voices that counsel to find the truth within one’s own being, which is where the Kingdom lies. These are the voices of the Aquarian Age.
In these 20 years I have studied human spirit and nature with newly opened eyes. I have explored Paganism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Sufism, Kabbalah, Chakras, Tarot, Astrology, Mystical Christianity, Native American Shamanism, the Tao, a fascinating, diverse and rich beyond measure lineage of the exploration of human nature that is our inheritance as citizens of the 21st century. The collective human story of war, money, division and fear is not the only way to approach life. We stand at the start of a new astrological Age when much bigger, deeper and older understanding of our existence can be ours. Teachers that have had big impact on me include Mata Amritanandamayi (Amma), Mother Meera, Ramakrishna, Vivekenanda, Aurobindo, Osho, Andrew Harvey, Louise Hay. I have also been greatly informed by the lineage of British spiritual pioneers stretching back to Francis Bacon, disciple of Elizabethan Magus John Dee, who founded the Rosicrucian order in the early 17th century (the order created to protect his very British explanation of enlightenment and the emergence of a divine humanity, called the Pyramid of Philosophy, until a future time when the world would be ready for it… once the conflicts between atheistic reason and blind faith could be transcended by a higher understanding. Many powerful, but potentially heretical, mystical truths were woven into the Shakespeare plays – the name Shakespeare being a reference to Athena, goddess of wisdom, and the plays were almost certainly written by Bacon and his collective team of creatives). This line of Albion’s mystics includes a host of poets and visionaries such from William Blake to Derek Jarman, Madame Blavatsky and the Theosophist movement, Annie Besant and Krishnamurti, Alice Bailey, Alistair Crowley, Doreen Valiente and Gerald Gardner (the wiccan revivalists of pagan lore in the 1950s), Alan Watts and the thousands of mediums, wisewomen and odd fellows who have always been there serving the needs of the people. The ‘official’ story of British history tells of the rise of secularism and humanism. The ‘other’ story is one of a continuing line of spiritual and magical work, often led by women, keeping the magical consciousness of the ancient lands of Albion alive, protecting and nurturing it for the time of the Aquarian awakening, when the conflict between logic and spiritlore will be washed away by a higher level of being and understanding, and love and compassion take their place at the throne of human destiny.
This is it. Happy Birthday Me. 50 starts here with my cosmic rebirth day when Sun and Moon align in Aquarius. A Higher Perspective is in view if we choose it. Happy New Age World. We are Here.