There are many, many young guys on the internet and mobile phone app fuelled gay cruise scene who are chasing the thrill and danger of bareback, unprotected sex with HIV+ men.
“I’m neg, love taking poz loads”
“What makes poz loads so hot?”
“I guess just the risk.”
Why is this game of russian roulette, this exposure to the risk of being infected with a deadly disease (that can be controlled but only by adhering strictly to a daily medication regime) such a turn on for some guys? Why is positive sperm so attractive to some?
IS THIS A DEATHWISH?
DOES IT STEM FROM A SENSE OF WORTHLESSNESS THAT IS THE INHERITANCE MODERN GAY MEN CARRY AFTER CENTURIES OF HOMOPHOBIC REPRESSION AND ABUSE?
Or is it the response of sensitive queer souls to the complex chaos and overbearing demands of modern human society?
OR…. could it even be A CALL FROM THE SOUL INSIDE TO ESCAPE THE DELUSION THAT HUMANITY IS STUCK IN? HIV woke me up to the multidimensional existence that our consciousness is engaged in exploring, and also helped me gain some perspective on the demands and madness of human life.
HIV was for me a trigger to learn that HEALING IS VITAL – and that healing encompasses the whole being, not just the body. Through living with HIV I came to learn that we are beings of body-mind-soul-spirit, and even came to believe that the reason I became HIV+ in the first place was that i was living a life in the shallow end of emotional and spiritual engagement. I was not seeking to grow as a person, not seeking to discover my soul’s talents and the magical gifts of my spirit, so my life was heading to a DEAD END.
AIDS was for me an ACCELERATED INDIVIDUAL DISCOVERY OF SELF. Faced with impending death, a CD4 count dropping to almost zero and multiple aids related conditions ravaging my body, I opened my mind to life’s spiritual questions – who am i? why do i exist? what is life? what is love? – and finally found the spark that got my soul excited. My inner worlds came to life. Having chucked god and religion out of my life aged 12, I had been an ardent atheist who denied the spiritual side of existence. But facing death woke me up to the fact that we are in fact SPIRIT first, and LIVING BODIES, second. Then i found that DEATH was seen as the greatest spiritual teacher in Buddhist, Hindu and Pagan traditions. Experienced witches bowed to me because they could tell that my journey to the brink of life had opened up a deep connection with the spirit world for me. Overcoming the fear of death is the most powerful thing we can do to free up the spirit energy, love and joy locked in our energy bodies.
HIV invites us to face and embrace our mortality. This can inspire us to live each moment of life with increased engagement and passion. It can make us appreciate life all the more, and hopefully open us up to how we create our experience of that life through our own attitudes and beliefs. HIV for me opened the gates to the spirit worlds and convinced me that we are not simply these bodies on a one lifetime chance existence – rather, we are EXISTENCE itself, getting to know itself, getting to explore its creation, AS US. Therefore there is no need to fear death any more, it is simply a matter of a shift of focus, back to what we really are.
Why are some guys so keen to become positive? When I ask that i am somtimes told that it is from their desire to be part of a ‘brotherhood’ – one that feels free to enjoy unbridled sexual connection. In a world where soul and spirit are not understood or even hardly included, for some it seems that sexual highs are about the best thing to aim for in this life. Of course, from the point of view of this sexual mystic, that makes perfect sense… the chase for sexual ecstasy comes from the longing to reunite with the Source, the whole of Nature is driven by this desire, and it it’s done right, sex can certainly take us there.
For some it even seems that infecting others with the virus is what gives the high they long for….
This brotherhood may be shadowy but it dares to speak its name: websites exist such as that of ‘POZCHEMPIG’ on Tumblr, which declares the “Only way for real men to bond and truly take pride in being a man is to enjoy AIDS brotherhood in each other.”
I propose that the desire to be HIV positive is on one level a push from the soul to make us wake up to who we really are and to what the story of life on earth is really about. We can get to that discovery through unconscious peaks and dark dives or by pursuing self-chosen evolution. The effective medications that block HIV’s attacks on our immune systems mean we are encouraged by society to ‘carry on’ as normal, fitting into the system, going to work, playing the game, and for some this becomes the game of chemically enhanced sexuality. We are not really encouraged to start questioning, searching and finding our deepest core nature. But HIV affects us deeply, on more than a physical level. It changes us. The drug fuelled sex scene is an expression of that. We may not be dropping dead of AIDS any more but the chemsex game leads many to a place of annihilation and devastation, to a place of rock bottom from which they will be forced to learn to live more consciously.
AIDS took me to devastation, loss of self, but also woke up in me a sense of meaning to my life. I came to see HIV as a trigger to my personal evolution and was transformed by it. All over the world I meet other gay men whose lives have been opened up by their experience of HIV. They have learnt about themselves and grown to be wiser and better people.
So much of the story coming out about long term HIV+ men is about depression, loneliness, poor health, poverty and suicide. Why this future would be appealing to negative guys is certainly a mystery. But in fact this is not my experience. HIV has brought me knowledge, motivation, power, love and friendship. It has opened me to the evolutionary potential in modern humans – once we get the point that as modern humans, the cutting edge of evolution is in us. Through our hearts and minds we make choices every day that further our growth into light or descent into darkness. HIV is the perfect symbol of this power that we humans have, and exercise so unconsciously all the time: once infected we have the power of life and death over ourselves (take the pills and live or don’t take them and die). HIV can seem like the most devastating thing that can happen to a person – and when I became positive in the 1980s it was – but it can also be our teacher, our healer, our awakener.
HIV has the potential to wake us up to who we really are, if we ask the relevant questions. That is why I am choosing to call HIV the GOD SEED and that is perhaps why, without knowing why, so many men are chasing it.